Such a time as this

Leading up to Christmas, through this busy and tiring season, I find myself quite lost in (what sometimes feels like) the vast uncharted wilderness of motherhood. I have found myself feeling drained of all my creativity or talents. Not only do I not feel particularly inspired to do/write/create like I used to, but I seem to have fewer occasions to even try (and as everyone knows, creativity begets creativity). One of the truly sanctifying aspects of motherhood that I did not expect to have to daily lay down MY gifts, MY aspirations, MY “accomplishments” ALL THE TIME to provide a place where my children can practice and develop their own gifts. 

I used to get to create “occasions” as a creative consultant and event planner; I used to be knee-deep in the great games of politics, national security, and culture war as I pursued a career in strategic intelligence; now I’m just, “mom.”

Mom. The maker of tea; the meal planner; the laundry-meister; the band-aid and ibuprofen dispenser; the judge of sibling disagreements; the scheduler of kids activities; the homemaker, the sounding board; the teacher, the dumping ground of all emotions, ideas, thoughts. I have to lay down my very self to make sure that get what they need.

It's exhausting.

As I ponder these roles, I start to see a pattern. 

In my family, I have the opportunity to be comforter, nurturer, sustainer. I clothe; I bring food; I shower blessings. I mediate, I advocate, I teach, I listen. I give my self for their good. 

Who does that sound like? 

It makes more sense now, how God described the wife as a "helper." God has given me an opportunity to practice my creativity and gifts in a shockingly high calling in imitation of His Son, His Spirit--Himself. I get to imitate HIM in a predominant and incredibly influential way to the three eternal little souls he has entrusted to my care for this season. (And by the way, my husband likewise does in a slightly different role, and even more so to me!) 

One of the most exhausting (but ultimately rewarding) aspects of being a homeschool mom is that all day—every day—I have a choice. I can either push the kids aside (or perhaps shove them at someone else?) so that I can do MY thing...or I can build a place where they can flourish and thrive and learn to do whatever God has designed them to do. I can choose to multiply the impact of our family by investing in these three, or I can say, “My one self, NOW, is more important than the nurture and development of these three.” I can choose to focus on myself and my thwarted desires or I can be "a living sacrifice" to God and entrust my future--and theirs--to Him, while allowing this season to be a sanctifying work in me.

I know this season will end. There will come a day when I have a much more limited role in their lives; but for this season, maybe the highest and most incredible “art” I can create is a loving and comfortable home that guides them in recognizing what is true and beautiful and worthwhile. Maybe the most earth-shaking cultural or national security impact I can have is to train these three in wisdom and discernment and holiness. 

And perhaps all my creativity and work and energy and training have been practice for just this occasion. 

Perhaps I have been brought here for such a time as this.